Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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