Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
