Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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