i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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