remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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