Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
