Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You ruined the universe
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
