I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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