i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
