Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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