I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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