six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
