nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
