note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize