I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
