meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
