whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize