I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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