I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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