my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
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He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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