I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
