I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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