sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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