Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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