I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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