Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
