you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
