vagina is talking i cant
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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