I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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