You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
