Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
The air taste purple.
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