i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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