foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
