What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
