her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am naked and annoyed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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