Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
