Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I did not marry a roomba.
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