I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
