I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
