I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
home. puking in laundry basket.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
