you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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