So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
