Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
