I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
