ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize