I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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