I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
COCAINE IS GR8
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
