she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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