would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
