why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
