Who did Billy Mays play for?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
