The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
