im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
