Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
