Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize