I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
